The Heartbreak of Miscarriage and How to Heal

It was just last month that I was in my therapist’s office sobbing because she casually asked me about a miscarriage she saw on my chart from my therapist prior. Before this moment, I honestly thought that I had moved on and that it didn’t bother me anymore. But the moment I started sharing with her was the moment I found myself reliving every moment and every feeling.

I told her about how discouraged I was and am that my husband and I haven't used protection since November of 2014 and we've only gotten pregnant this once. I told her how I knew I was pregnant but wasn't able to take a pregnancy test because my husband was tired of spending hundreds of dollars on negative pregnancy tests. I told her about how after a month of waiting to get into the doctor I found out I was miscarrying while she [my doctor] was performing my pap smear. I told her how I tried to act nonchalant about it as the doctor held my hand when she gave me the news. I told her how I sobbed in the office by myself when they exited the room.

I told her that when I sought comfort from those close to me I felt like no one understood. I told her about the confusion and second guessing when my doctor's nurse called a month later to tell me that my labs had been dumped and there was no way to know for sure if I was 100% pregnant.

I told her how every time someone called to tell me they were pregnant, I faked congratulating them. How I would then hang up the phone and sob in my bed. I told her how every time I would see a pregnancy or birth announcement on Facebook, I would roll my eyes and close my computer.

I know, I know, miscarriages and infertility are very common but that doesn’t change the fact that they are also incredibly painful both physically and emotionally. I decided that I was so tired of my feelings being rejected and misunderstood that I swore I would never speak of it so I didn't have to keep reliving the pain.

Don’t get me wrong I know people have the best intentions in trying to make you feel better so they tell you things like “It’s in heaven. It was for the best. It probably had a disability and your body rejected it. It was God’s plan." Or my personal favorite, "Well, good thing you weren’t farther along." I could go on and on and on with comments that were said but I digress.

My mother in law though, she was one that seemed to understand better than anyone. The morning after we found out, I was sitting at the dining room table telling her everything that had happened. I cried as I told her how sad I was and how no one seemed to understand. My husband came and sat down at the table towards the end of the conversation and what she said to him still sticks with me to this day. She said “You need to support your wife because no matter how or why it happened, SHE WANTED THIS BABY. To her, this is very real and SHE WANTED HER BABY.” I realize this may not sound like a profound statement but that was the first time someone acknowledged the life of my child. People neglected to try to understand how I was feeling, how I just lost my child. People had the best intention of trying to make me feel better by trying to change my perspective but that’s not what I needed in that moment. I needed someone to sit with me while I cried, while I processed, while the dreams and hopes of the life of this child float away because that child would no longer be a reality in my life.

Throughout the day, the miscarriage continued to pass. I leaned against the shower wall, hot water running over my back trying to relieve the worst possible physical pain that I had felt up to this point in my life. I stood there weeping, trying not to let others in the house hear me as I watched the blood trickle down my legs and down the shower drain. I won’t apologize for being graphic because like so many other women that was the reality of my pain.

Some may question if I was actually pregnant because the labs were dumped. Trust me, I have spent several hours/days talking to therapists and racking my brain and emotions about the same. But the same thing is always said to me, "Did the doctor say you were?" Yes. "Did you feel like you were?" Yes. "Then what difference does it make? You still need to process and heal and try for the next one when you are ready." If you have been in a similar predicament then I challenge you the same. Instead of spending time ruminating, it's best to accept it that it was and do what you need to do to heal.

This month our baby would have been 1 year old. I’ve cried alone more times than I can count just imagining what theme party we would have had. Imagining all the smiles, giggles, and the most beautiful child with frosting all over its face. I see rocking them to sleep, cuddling them skin on skin. I see kissing boo boos and seeing them stand for the first time. I see all of what could have been slowly disappear as the reality of the present comes back to the surface.

It’s been a little over a year and half since the miscarriage and 4 years of “trying” to conceive. The reality that we may never have the opportunity to be parents or that I will never be able to experience holding a baby in my belly honestly haunts me. I don’t know what the future holds and I don’t know if we will ever be able to be parents but I promise you, I will always be the mother of that baby. It may have only been for 8 weeks but I will be it’s mother for the rest of my life.

THE ROAD TO HEALING

I've heard that one of the paths to healing is to name the child. In doing so, you are acknowledging it's life and existence. Choose to name the baby a nickname, a gender neutral name, or any name you like. This is your baby and you can name what ever name you choose that brings healing to you. When we miscarried, I naturally chose to name our baby Samuel. Samuel was not one of the names we picked out for our future children but I named this child Samuel because of Samuel 1:27-28 which quotes

"I prayed for this boy, and since the Lord has granted me what I asked of Him, I now dedicate the boy to the Lord. For as long as he lives, he is dedicated to the Lord."

Another great idea that my therapist had was to be a volunteer baby rocker at a local hospital. She said on the week of when the baby was to be born or the day we lost the baby, volunteer in memory of the baby. I am still working with local hospitals to get approved but I honestly couldn't think of a more beautiful idea. If this wouldn't interest you maybe try checking out your local children's hospital and see if they have any volunteer opportunities!

Lastly, remember to take care of yourself. People around you may not understand but there are women, like me, who do. If you need to cry, cry. If you need to scream, scream. If you need to talk to someone then I encourage to find a loved one or a licensed professional to help and support you while you process and heal. If you are okay, then that is wonderful and you should rest in that peace!

Do what you need to do to heal and process and don't shove it down even if those around you don't understand. Take care of yourself, pray, meditate, go for a walk, join a support group, etc. You may never forget your little one but I hope and pray you find peace, comfort, and understanding.

If you've had a miscarriage, what helped you process and heal? Comment below!

#Miscarriage #Infertility #Loss