4 Ways I Poisoned My Marriage...

It can be hard to acknowledge to yourself the mistakes that you've made. It's just as hard to admit your faults on a public platform such as this. However, despite all of that, being open and honest is what this is all about. The truth sets me free and in turn, it inspires others to be honest and real with themselves and others.

Before getting married, I thought that I would naturally flow into the role of being a "wife" because I already knew what it meant and what it looked like. I grew up with wonderful role models on what marriage should look like. My father worked hard to provide for his family and he displayed the role of father, provider, protector, anxiety reliever, discipliner, advice giver, mower, builder, among other things. My mother loved unconditionally, she cooked, she cleaned, she was a safe place to hide, her laughter echoed to the next room, she's a fighter, generous, among many other things. Looking from the outside in, I grew up with a picture of what marriage and family is. My parents bickered here and there but I've never seen them fight. I've never seen them raise their voices at each other or call each other names. All I've seen are two people who are best friends, living life together, making each other happy.

When it came to my marriage though, the roles I thought I had to play (and joyfully did) was based on everything I had seen. The system worked well so I thought it was foolproof. Well, what I didn't know was what I wanted to give my husband wasn't what he needed and it also left me neglecting myself. Do you know the phrase "too much of good thing can be bad"? Well, basically what I thought was good and nourishing ended up poisoning my marriage. It poisoned my marriage to the core. So in order to help you young brides, newly engaged women, or single gals from making the mistakes I did, here are the ways I ended up unintentionally poisoning my marriage:

FOCUS

It's important to pay attention to your spouse, we all know this but the point at which it isn't healthy is when your entire focus is on them. I'm not even talking about when you're just with them. I mean all of the time. I could be anywhere, work, school, grocery store, and be thinking about my husband. He was always on my mind and I would make decisions based on him.

There were some insecurities surrounding this because I would wonder what he would think if I did x, y, z or if I wore that outfit, bought that item, ate that food. When I was with him I would ask him if he needs anything to eat or drink, how he was doing, etc. I would do everything I could to make him happy and make sure he was always satisfied. In the midst of all of this, I ended up losing my independence. I lost myself. I didn't put much effort into me anymore because I was so focused on him. I was focused on what I thought he wanted from me.

Since I was so focused on him it not only cut out mystery between us it also ended up smothering him to the point that he was unhappy. My focus on him didn't require him to chase me because I was too busy chasing him and therefore, turning our marriage into a boring hell hole.

VOICE

In the midst of always trying to make sure he was happy and satisfied, I also made sure there was always peace in our home. If something bothered me, I would mumble to myself and move on. Like dishes left on the counter, hair on the sink, etc. Petty things that really aren't that big of a deal. I would swallow how I felt and continue to let him do things that bothered me.

But even in the midst of a hot discussion, I would shut down and sometimes would agree just to keep the peace. I hate when people are upset with me so I would chalk it up to advice I heard when we were engaged "Don't try to win an argument because even when you win, you both lose." So I would back off and just to try and see his point of view.

What I should have done was tell him where I stand, tell him what I believed, and what I thought. I should have been more direct. I am his equal and needed to present myself as his equal and not act as a child in a parent/child relationship. I didn't put my foot down. I let him do whatever made him happy.

TOO NICE

I acted like a housewife. I cooked, cleaned, did his laundry when I noticed he wasn't doing his. I would take notice of anything he could have done for himself and instead, I did it for him. I thought I was being a servant, the servant God called me to be. I laid myself down to do everything.

Having a servant's heart is great but turns to poison when you are doing so much that it requires the other person to do nothing. It can cause the other to feel bored in the marriage. He doesn't have to chase anymore. He doesn't have to do anything anymore, mainly because you're already doing it.

OVERSHARED

When you marry someone, you feel like you are marrying your best friend. A best friend is someone who you can tell anything to. You can tell them every thought, every feeling, literally anything and everything.

I enjoy opening up about my inner world (thoughts and feelings). I would tell my husband my every thought as if he was Jesus himself and while sometimes it is great to do this, oversharing can also lead to destruction. Some of the ways I felt and the words I spoke hurt his heart and in turn hurt our marriage. Words hurt and when you think you are helping, it can actually cause pain, hurt and resentment.

WHAT DO I DO NOW?

It took Courtney and I to hit rock bottom for some of this to become clear. He saw some of these issues coming long ago and I didn't understand what he meant then. Mainly because I didn't see it. Now, it's clear as day!

Now, I would challenge you to incorporate some of these tips into your life. Carve out time for yourself (especially if you are also a mother). You are still you no matter if you have a husband and or are a parent. Do things you enjoy. Go to coffee or shopping with your friends. Join a dance class or a book club. Dress nice for yourself. Ask your spouse to cook dinner. Ask them to watch the kids. Speak up on how you feel about things that bother you even if it rocks the boat. A real man will still be there no matter what. Marriage is equal and you have to establish yourself as so. Plus, your confidence will be sexy as hell!