How to Mend a Hurt Friendship

Hi, everyone. my name is Kayleigh and it may come as a surprise to you but I have a confession to make.... I’m NOT perfect. (*gasp with me). And no matter how hard I try, I fail EVERY SINGLE DAY. I’m the person who cares way to much about what other people think. I’m always watching people, making sure no one is ever inconvenienced, embarrassed, hurt, etc. I try and watch what I say, how I act, and make sure everyone is happy and comfortable. (It's exhausting sometimes honestly).

However, last month I ended up hurting someone very close to me. I literally sobbed with my face smashed into my plush pillow because I couldn't believe that I hurt my friend and I couldn't believe how bad I hurt my friend. See this isn't just any friendship but a friendship that has lasted almost 25 years and one I care deeply about.

Man, have you ever been there? You look back and think “how could I not have seen that that would hurt them? How could I have done that to that person?" But before you start beating yourself up like I did, it's best to take the proper steps in making it right for both the person you hurt and for yourself.

I know most of you can use common sense and experience to guide you but I still want to share some of the tools I use when I hurt someone I love or care about. Whether the person is my husband, a parent, relative, friend, coworker, etc., these tips can help in the process of making it right because making it right is very important. Don’t sweep it under the rug. Be an adult and meet it head on. So read the tips below and let me know below if you have any additional ideas to share!

Acknowledge Their Feelings

Whether you understand or not, their feelings are real to them. Try not to let your pride and shame cloud you from really seeing the situation from their perspective. You have to remember that we all have different backgrounds and experiences and in any situation we can see the same situation from a million different perspectives. This is both the awesome and not so awesome role of the brain. So maybe before you even approach them try to sit down in a peaceful environment and try to put yourself in their shoes.

Apologize

Don’t forget to verbally apologize for wronging them. Don’t say things like “I’m sorry you felt…” No, that can sometimes come across as demeaning, dismissing their feelings, and/or making it seem like you aren’t owning up to your mistakes. Instead, choose an apology such as “I’m so sorry. I didn’t intend to hurt you. Is there anything I can do to make this better?”

Ask for Forgiveness

I know this can be awkward but again is just as important as the previous steps. You need to ask for forgiveness. I don’t know what it is but asking for forgiveness does something for both parties. I believe mentally and spiritually it clears the air. There is real power in the words we say and hear (this is true scientifically and I believe to be true spiritually as well). It allows the hurt person to begin the process of healing and letting go as well as bring some potential peace to your life and rid yourself of the shame and guilt.

Move on

Moving on isn’t about just pretending that it didn’t happen or that it wasn’t hurtful but if you have apologized, asked for forgiveness, and tried to make it right that’s honestly all you can do. How the other person processes and heals isn’t up to you. Give them the space they need. Feel free to tell them that you are willing to talk more about it in the future that's what they need. You are keeping the door open for communication and mending the relationship. Just make sure that in the future you try your hardest not to make that same mistake again.

Give Them Space

I’m sure you have been hurt or offended by someone close to you at some point in your life and sometimes you just need space. Space allows you to continue to process and heal so you don’t continue to agitate the wound. The wound needs time to heal and picking at it will do nothing but infect it further.

Touch Base Periodically

Depending on who you hurt, try calling, texting, or emailing them after a week or so just to see how their week or day is going. Sometimes long periods of silence can add even more tension. Personally, if a friend hurt me and apologized, and then we didn’t talk for awhile I would start to wonder if they were avoiding me or if they were upset, etc. It would make me feel good if they sent a nice message or called just to see how I’m doing. It would show me they actually cared. Now, if you see the person daily such as a spouse, partner, or a coworker just try to be as understanding as possible and feel out the situation. Know when you need to give them space and be there when you know they need you or have to (in a coworker situation). Just try to be courteous and as pleasant as possible.

Forgive Yourself

Lastly, but certainly not the least, when you know you've made a mistake whether it be big or small, you need to go through the emotions of forgiving yourself. Trust me, I still feel bad for what I did but I know that I’m human and I’m going to make mistakes. Honestly, it won't be the last time I unintentionally hurt someone around me. But it's important to learn from the mistakes you make, forgive yourself, move on, and do better!

How it ended: We had a heart to heart over the phone not text (*TIP: this is vital. Texting can do some major damage). It was a hard conversation but overall we realized there were some miscommunications and hard feelings that were overdue in being talked about. But in the end we did what we needed to do. We tried to make it right. So now moving forward, we both move on as better people and better, stronger friends.

I hope these steps come in handy when you aren’t sure what to do when you hurt someone you love or care about. Do you have any additional tips? Comment below!

#Apologizing #Family #LovedOne #Friendship #Forgiveness #Spouse #Coworker